when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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