If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize