it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize