I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
