She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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