I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
