and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
