Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
