my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize