I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
