gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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