Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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