And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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