So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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