he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
