My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
