He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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