Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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