i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You are a genius and a whore.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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