I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
