take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
