you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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