I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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