So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
