Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i will never coherently bang her
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
