I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
