Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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