mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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