also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Someone shattered a urinal.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
