we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
accomplished twins. life is a go
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
