since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
