i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
