Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize