hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
