Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i love accidental penises.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
