Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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