The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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