I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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