So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
