wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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