He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
