I want to make a zoo with you.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
