im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
