I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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