How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
