I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She's the barista slut.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
