1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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