Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
