Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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