I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
