According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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