dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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