oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
