It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
