Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize