Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
