I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
