Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
