Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize