The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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