When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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