in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
