dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
