I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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