ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just found puke in my bra..
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
