then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
