I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
