Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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