I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Randomize
