We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
