is your mom at the bar?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
