He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
