She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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