Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My vagina is very pro this idea
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
