there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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